All is vanity

Lately there is something different about me, and no one has noticed, so I will have to tell you: I AM NOT WEARING GLASSES!

I haven’t been able to wear contact lenses since Sacha was born six years ago. And while contacts would have been nice, it was nothing worth pining over.

But Sarah’s Bat Mitzvah was in April, for this one occasion, I really wanted to be without my glasses, without a complete lack of vision, so in January, when I went for my annual eye exam, I decided to give contacts another go. The first pair I tried had to come out immediately. The next two pairs felt fine, so the doctor sent me home with a few samples. I could tolerate neither for more than two hours. Back I went, and came home with two more pairs to try. One was no better than the first two, but the second I was able to wear for 4-5 hours, with frequent eye lubrication, before my eyeballs felt ready to leap from their sockets. But, it was long enough to get me through the affair. By this time I had tried enough brands that it would have felt caddish asking for just one more sample. As it happened, the lenses that worked for me were also considerably more expensive than the others I'd tried. And so I spent a not inconsiderable sum of money for a ninety day supply, for the privilege of wearing them for one day.

I wore them a few times in the weeks leading up to the Bat Mitzvah, to get my eyes used to them, and was never able to tolerate more than six hours. And then, two days before the affair something miraculous happened: I wore them for nine hours, without having to use eye drops once. I wore them for so long I forgot they were in my eyes. It was a miracle! I had been blind, and now I could see! And though I’d promised myself that I’d ration them because they were so expensive, I am addicted, and wearing them most every day.

So to all my friends, passing acquaintances, and strangers to whom I look familiar, the next time you run into me, with my newly naked eyes, I would appreciate your following this script:

You: Hello!
Me: Hi!
You: How have you been?
Me: Well, and you?
You: Good. You look...different. Did you change your hair?
Me: No.
You: Have you lost weight?
Me: No.
You: Oh well. I guess you’re just having an especially attractive day.
Me: NO! I’M NOT! I DO LOOK DIFFERENT! I’M WEARING CONTACT LENSES!
You: Oh! That’s it! Well, no wonder you look so good.
Me: Well, thank you. Do you want to have lunch?
You: Yes! Where shall we go?

The tao of Sacha

Me, reading this: He tells me that God is a word.
Sacha: God isn’t a word. God is a Hebrew person.
Me: Well, we can’t really know what God is. Lots of people believe he’s not a person, and he doesn’t belong to anyone.
Sacha: God is a man!
Me: What makes you think so?
Sacha: Well, if you look at him, you can tell that he’s a man. Also, sometimes he goes invisible.  
Me: How can you look at him if he’s invisible?
Sacha: I know because it says so in the pledge - god, invisible, and justice for all.
Me: Indivisible, not invisible. Do you know what that means?
Sacha: Just read.

******

Me: Go sit on the steps.
Sacha: No.
Me: Now.
Sacha: I don't want to!
[Sacha sits.]
Sacha: I don't want to sit on the steps! It's not fair!
[Me, going about my business.]
Sacha: You're not listening to me! I'm telling the truth!
Me: I’m sure you are. You’re still not getting up until you settle down.

******

Me: TV time’s over. 

[I turn off television.]
Sacha: Hey! Don't do that.
Me: I just did.
Sacha: Never do that!
[I leave the room.]
Sacha: New rule. Never turn off the tv. Without asking. A kid for permission first. I just made that up.

******

Me: Sacha, pick up the cards.
[Sacha continues to play.]
Me: Sacha, pick up the cards!
[Sacha continues to play.] 

Me: Sacha!Sacha: I’m not your servant. Sheesh.
Me, silently snickering: Go to your room.
Sacha, on way up stairs: Ah, finally, I get to rest!

[I pick up the cards myself, while Sacha plays happily in his room.]