02 August 2011

Asshole alert

Some people have fine-tuned gaydar — which in this day and age, is really not that impressive. I, on the other hand, have exquisitely honed assholedar, and lately I've been attracting them like a magnet. I could tell many stories of encounters I've had lately, and perhaps for the remainder of the summer I will make this a regular feature, but for now, consider the following:

We recently got a new car insurance policy, and I had to bring our car in to a designated photo-inspection facility. I called in advance to see when was a good time to come, and was told to show up at an appointed hour. I arrived promptly, and announced myself to a mechanic, who told me to wait in the office for his boss. Although the boss wasn't busy, he scowled at me and kept me waiting for ten minutes before he began inspecting my car.

Boss: Pull up over here.

[I pulled up over here, parked my car, and got out.]

Boss: No; pull up here. [Nods head 3 feet ahead of where I pulled up.]

[I got back in the car, and pulled up here.]

Boss glowered his way through the inspection. When he finished, we had the following exchange:

Boss: Do you know your front tire needs to be replaced?

Me: Yes, I do. It's on my list.

Boss: You know that tire could blow?

Me: Yes, I do.

Boss: I see you travel with babies in the car.

Me, internal monologue: That is technically untrue, although I can see why you would make that assumption, because I do have one car seat in the car. But since I don't want to give you any information about my personal life, I will let this slide.

Me, aloud: Yes, I do.

Boss scowled his way though the paperwork and dismissed me. As I got into my car to leave, Boss said, "You really should replace that tire."

Me: I know. I'm going to.

Me, internal monologue: Can you shut the fuck up already?

Boss: I would hate for to injure someone, or kill yourself, or your babies.

Me, aloud: Thank you!

Me, internal monologue: Thank you, asshole, for pointing out to me what I've already acknowledged that I know. I agree that it is of paramount importance to replace the tire. I am so sorry that I am a busy woman with three children, and, seeing as it's summer, a great deal less free time on my hands. Thank you so much for continuing to berate me and show me the error of my ways. I appreciate your concern for my "babies," and for every other sentient being on the road who I am endangering, and thank you for pointing out that I have no concern for my own children, life, or human welfare. In departing, let me add that if you have miraculously managed to find a mate and procreate, I pity your family for having to endure your domineering, authoritarian manner and passive-aggressive communication style, to say nothing of your poor listening skills. I also thank you for acting like you are doing me a favor by inspecting my car, which, while I am not personally paying you to do, you are being suitably compensated for by my insurance company. May your business continue to thrive and prosper!

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